Tuesday, December 22, 2015

The Maintenance Evangelist

I've decided to add the work of some friends for the Holidaze. Enjoy.
"This is a #Christmas present to Joel Leonard ("The Maintenance Evangelist") who wrote the lyrics to '12 Days of Maintenance' and this video to wish all maintenance a Merry Christmas. We at http://BIN95.com know a lot of maintenance have to work on projects during Christmas shutdown, and we are thinking of you, and appreciate you.

Joel Leonard ("The Maintenance Evangelist") has dedicated his life to promoting the maintenance profession and bringing to light the unsung heros who maintain our infrastructures and industries behind the scenes with little notice or appreciation from the average Joe. Thank you Joel for all you do and Merry Christmas!

Lyrics:
On the twelfth day of Maintenance, my boss-man sent to me Twelve machines broken , Eleven pipes a leaking, Ten motors busted, Nine compressors smoking, Eight power lines peaking, Seven cuss words spoken, Six more hours of overtime, Five old timers quit, Four new untrained workers, Three Crescent wrenches, Two minutes' notice, And no money in the budget!"

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Santa's Magic Dust

By Carol Newsome and Billy Jones





Santa Claus: "How'd you get my picture? I haven't come down your chimney lately."

Carol Newsome: "Like you, I can be everywhere..."

Santa Claus: "Hum... I must be missing some of my magic dust. Has Rudolph been hanging out on the corner again?"

Carol Newsome: "He is working some great deals, but he does ask if you are planning to use the dust for good. I promised that I would."

Santa Claus: "That little varmint! His heart is in the right place but he's so naive. He doesn't know you from Eve. Besides, if we run short I won't be able to get the sleigh off the ground. And with their new union contract I just signed, the elves get paid triple time to make magic dust in December. All this trouble because one little reindeer is trying to feed his addiction to pizza which I would be happy to buy him except that it makes him sick and gives him terrible gas. Have you ever been trapped in a sleigh for 24 hours behind a bloated reindeer? Oh, the agony!"

Carole Newsome is a photographer, activist, artist and organic farmer in Greensboro, North Carolina.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Wackemelves

Are you tired of getting beat up by department store santas over the last DVR on the shelf at the big box retailer? Do you hurt from being bucked in the butt by reindeer while bending over to pick up wrapping paper off the bottom shelf. Are you sick of Christmas shopping and just not feeling the holidaze spirit anymore? Well it just so happens that Wackemall Industries, and boys in the white jackets down at the Wachemall Labs, makers of Wackemall Products have hit on yet another breakthrough to make your life easier.

By using an upgraded version of the technology used to make Barridogs, Barricats, Barricows and Barrigoats, the lab guys figured all they needed was to capture a few elves and implant the upgraded chips in the little green guys brains so that people everywhere can have their own year 'round toy factories without having to pay wages. A quick call over to the Wackemall Field Research Department started things rolling with teams of professional hunters being dispatched to the North Pole and Asia with traps, nets, ropes, tranquilizer guns and instructions to bring back as many little people as they can find.

So now, just in time for the Holidaze, Wackemall Industries, proud sponsor of the Vegetable Stalker and maker of the one and only Wackemall Machete used exclusively by Veggie H Stalker himself, is proud to announce that we have available a limited number of Wackemelves finished and ready to make anything and everything you could possible want to give anyone for Christmas without ever leaving home again.


That's right, thanks to the guys in the white jackets you can now have your very on elf making presents night and day for as long as you want it to work. And for a few dollars extra we'll even program it to sing only your favorite Christmas songs while it works 24/7/365.

Like all Wackemall Products, our Wackemelves have a lifetime warranty. And they're pro-rated so when they finally die just ship them back and we'll install your very own Wackemchip into a newer elf or other little person as available. By keeping your same Wackemchip your new Wackemelf knows to pick up right where your old one fell over-- it couldn't get any better!

But wait, it does get better! Order today and you can get 2 Wackemelves plus a free Barrigoat for the price of 1 Wackemelf. Now you can get presents made twice as quickly plus mow your yard for free! And don't forget, it's not just toys, the little people can make anything! Never before have we offered such low prices. To get your 2 Wackemelves plus your free Barrigoat call 1-800-WACKEMALL and we'll arrange to have someone deliver your shipment within 24 hours. Cash, checks, money orders and major credit cards accepted. Sorry, we cannot accept Wackemcards at this time.

Friday, May 25, 2012

Holidaze Again?

Holidaze again? Who came up with that bright idea? I haven't gotten over the last holidaze--house full of people, most I don't know. Though all are somehow related. Children, puppies, cats and my poor rooster so confused with all these strange creatures in his tiny barnyard. Sorry, I know how you feel, Mr Green Jeans, but your incessant crowing and drumming of wings isn't helping just now.

Who thought it was a great idea to bring dogs and cats? Why is that cat on the table and who put that puppy in with my laying hens? Poor things might not lay for months, scared as they are.

Did I lock up my guns? What if the kids get a hold of one? They're not my kids, why do I have to worry about them? If that kid doesn't stop crying and wailing I might shoot him myself-- put both of us out of our misery.

Of course we're just tired. We've been working for days. First everything had to be cleaned up for the guests-- now we have to clean up after the guests. Why does everyone have to come to my house, their houses are all bigger.

Whose baby is playing in the street? No, I don't know the baby's name. Last time I saw the baby's momma she was playing in the street. I think that's my brother's grandbaby but for all I know it's just some kid someone dragged in off the street.

Holidaze again?

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Six Inches

“Six inches, six inches,”
and she yelled, “I want more!”
as she stomped both her feet
and slammed all the doors.
But it’s only six inches
and I can’t make it grow
so she’ll just have to wait
‘til the clouds make more snow.

Snow

Snow is like far-away relatives
who visit but every few years--
when they get here, we’re happy to see them.
‘For they leave us we’re in tears.
We cannot wait for them to come--
can’t wait for them to go--
but they’ll be back too soon
just like the fallen snow.

Christmas, Stuck On Red

Santa's stuck at a traffic light.
The darn thing's stuck on red.
We can see him there, just down the street,
his red cap on his head,
his reindeer pawing at the street
a waitin' just to go.
Come on, Santa, run that light!
Santa just says, "Ho, ho ho."

Someone called the police,
tole 'em,"Santa's on his way."
The police, they could only laugh,
said, "Of course, it's Christmas Day."
But the police didn't understand
Santa's stuck there at that light
waiting for it to go green
just like he's done all night.

The children, they're all crying now,
waiting for Saint Nick to come,
shouting, "Come on Santa, run that light,
this waiting's just not fun."
But Santa, he'll not run that light,
Santa, he'll not break the law.
Santa's stuck there at a traffic light
that hasn't changed since Fall.

The street is lined with traffic now
and the horns begin to blow.
People shout, "Get on your way, old man!"
Santa just says, Ho, ho, ho.
It's not polite to run a light
and it's not safe to boot,
so me, I'll just await my turn
as on your horns you toot."

Will Christmas ever get to us?
Will that light go back to green?
Will Santa ever run that light?
Will the people start to scream?
Will the children all stop crying
and does anybody know
will Santa ever run that light
and why does Santa say... Ho, ho, ho?

The children, they're all crying now,
waiting for Saint Nick to come,
shouting, "Come on Santa, run that light,
this waiting's just not fun."
But Santa, he'll not run that light,
Santa, he'll not break the law.
Santa's stuck there at a traffic light
that hasn't changed since Fall.

"Merry Christmas to all and to all a green light."