Thursday, December 24, 2015

I Guess God Really Does Keep Secrets

Who Are They?

They say, I can't say, Merry Christmas.
Who are they, who so hate these words?
I ask but no one will tell me.
It all seems so very absurd.
So I searched, and searched the world over,
and nowhere were they to be found.
And the ones who tell me what I cannot say
are angry Christians who seem to abound.

Merry Christmas and Happy HoliDAZE!

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

The Maintenance Evangelist

I've decided to add the work of some friends for the Holidaze. Enjoy.
"This is a #Christmas present to Joel Leonard ("The Maintenance Evangelist") who wrote the lyrics to '12 Days of Maintenance' and this video to wish all maintenance a Merry Christmas. We at know a lot of maintenance have to work on projects during Christmas shutdown, and we are thinking of you, and appreciate you.

Joel Leonard ("The Maintenance Evangelist") has dedicated his life to promoting the maintenance profession and bringing to light the unsung heros who maintain our infrastructures and industries behind the scenes with little notice or appreciation from the average Joe. Thank you Joel for all you do and Merry Christmas!

On the twelfth day of Maintenance, my boss-man sent to me Twelve machines broken , Eleven pipes a leaking, Ten motors busted, Nine compressors smoking, Eight power lines peaking, Seven cuss words spoken, Six more hours of overtime, Five old timers quit, Four new untrained workers, Three Crescent wrenches, Two minutes' notice, And no money in the budget!"

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Slader Shrader

Slader Shrader, Thanksgiving 'tader,
he rolled from in the bin,
"I'll not be ate by little boys,
my peel to worms and vermin.
I'll not be ate by mean old men,
boiled, mashed and mixed with butter."
But Slader Shrader, Thanksgiving 'tader
just laid on the floor...

and muttered,

"Where do I roll from here?"

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Santa Faces Obama Care

By Paul Resh

Santa says he's sorry, but there will be no Christmas this year. To pay for Affordable Care Act premiums he had to lay off 2/3rds of the work force and put the other 3rd on twenty hour work weeks. Half of the 3rd died from over work trying to make up for the lost work force of the other 2/3rds. Now he's worried the Reindeer might starve because he can't absorb the cost of upkeep anymore and those lumps of coal for the bad little boys and girls, well, he needs those for heat. Merry Christmas.

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Holiday Toast

Turkeys are shaking in their boots.
Pigs are nervous too.
Cranberries are on the way
to meet their Waterloo.
Pumpkins, yes they're really scared;
and even more than most
as families gather knives and forks
and their new guests they toast, roast, boil, fry, filet, fricassée....

Monday, October 14, 2013

Ten Little Indians

Ten little Indians went to town
awaiting Christmas Day,
hoping Dear old Santa
would bring tomahawks their way
and lots of bows and arrows,
and other games to play.
They beat upon their tom-toms
and did their best war dance
until the chief, he spied them all
and said, "It's only Columbus Day.
You should be at school, not playing silly white man's games.
What do you think caused all these problems in the first place?"

Sunday, October 13, 2013

The Reindeer Shoe

The Reindeer Shoe
by Billy Jones

A single shoe made of steel
hammered by a blacksmith’s hand,
a mystery from whence it came...


“...And I want a Red Ryder Wagon, and a Lionel Electric Train, and a Space Aliens Video game, and a...”

“Whoa,” the department store Santa interrupted seeing the concern on the face of the little boy’s mother, a slim blonde with blue eyes that expressed her every emotion as if she were yelling it to the world. “That’s a whole lot of toys for one little boy. Are you sure you need all those toys right away?”

“Oh, yeah,” Bobby replied while sitting on Santa’s knee. “There’s more...”

“That’s enough, Bobby,” the attractive blonde said as she reached to lift the little boy from Santa’s lap. “We’ve got to keep the line moving so the other kids can talk to Santa too.”

“But Mom...”

“Ho, ho, ho,” Santa laughed. “I’ll see what I can do, Bobby. See you next year.”

“Bye,” Bobby said as the next child in line, a little girl with red hair, freckles, and a green coat climbed up on Santa’s lap. It was easy to see the disappointment on Bobby’s face.

Bobby and his mother walked out of the mall to find the snow swirling all around them. “Mom, look!” Bobby shouted as he pointed towards a group of reindeer in a makeshift corral located in the mall parking lot. “Can I go look at ‘em?”

“For just a few minutes,” she replied as Bobby ran towards the reindeer.

Bobby had never seen a real reindeer before. Of course, neither have most five year old children living in the projects. To say he was excited would have been an understatement. They were bigger than he had ever imagined and they didn’t smell all that good either. They didn’t look particularly happy and they weren’t doing anything very interesting so Bobby stood there for just a few minutes before walking back to where his mother stood watching him.

As he walked toward his mother he looked down to see a tiny horseshoe lying half buried in the snow. He bent down to pick it up as his mother began to call, “Come on, Bobby, it’s a long walk home. I don’t want you to catch cold.”

“I’m coming,” Bobby shouted as he pushed the tiny horseshoe into his coat pocket.

“Dancer, did you see that?” one of the reindeer whispered as Bobby walked away.

“No, what was it?” Dancer quietly replied.

“That kid found the shoe you lost over there in the snow.”

“What did he do with it?”

“He put it in his pocket.”

“The old guy is really going to be mad at me when he finds out about this.”

“Well I told you not to be clicking your heels together when you dance. You knew it could happen.”

“I know,” Dancer replied. “It’s just that it gets so boring standing around in this corral all the time waiting on Christmas Eve and the sparks look so cool in the night sky. I wish Christmas Eve would hurry up and get here.”

“Yeah, me too,” Rudolph said, a faint red glow shining through the shoe polish the elves applied to his nose to hide the light. “I’m tired of smelling this shoe polish all the time.”

Merry Christmas and thank you for reading! You can read the rest of The Reindeer Shoe as well as The Great Reindeer Get-a-way in Reindeer Tales.

-Billy Jones